For those on their journey for understanding and healing from the relational trauma they have experienced in their lives, there is often a list of common experiences that all can relate to and help alleviate that deep feeling of being completely alone and misunderstood in your thoughts and experiences.

The challenges, fears, and ongoing struggles faced by many of us who have endured painful relationships and emotional turmoil, particularly from those who were meant to care for and protect us, are profound. These experiences, often marked by betrayal and hurt from trusted individuals, leave lasting impacts that we grapple with and work through in our adult lives.

Here is a list of 10 common invisible scars of relational trauma:

1. Perceived Threats Feel Like Actual Threats: Early life dangers lead to a heightened perception of threat in non-threatening situations, causing intense anxiety and stress. This heightened state of alertness can lead to misinterpreting benign scenarios or everyday stressors as serious threats. The roots of this heightened threat perception lie in the brain's altered response to stress and danger. The amygdala, a part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, becomes overly sensitive in those with a history of trauma, leading to an exaggerated fear response. Additionally, the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in decision-making and risk assessment, may not function optimally, making it harder to rationalize and calm these fear responses.

2. Feeling of Life Incompetence: A sense of failing at life and lacking the basic 'Handbook to Life' that others seem to possess, leading to feelings of isolation and confusion. Those who have endured relational trauma frequently experience a sense of not having the necessary tools or knowledge to navigate life effectively, a condition akin to feeling lost without a map. This sensation can lead to a profound sense of isolation and misunderstanding, as if everyone else received a guide to life that they were denied. It often results in feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, making everyday challenges feel insurmountable.

3. Contemplating a Different Upbringing: Frequent wondering about how life would be with emotionally responsible and stable parents, and questioning whether current strengths are a result of the troubled past. Individuals with a traumatic past often find themselves pondering how different their lives might have been with emotionally stable and nurturing parents. This contemplation can lead to a bittersweet acknowledgment of one's resilience and strengths while simultaneously mourning the loss of a supportive childhood. It's a complex mix of appreciation for the person they've become and grief for the childhood they never had.

4. Fear of Being 'Too Broken': Concerns about being unlovable due to one's background, leading to reluctance in being truly known or vulnerable with others. Many people with relational trauma harbor a deep-seated fear of being inherently flawed or 'broken' beyond repair. This fear can manifest as a reluctance to form deep, meaningful connections, as they worry their past or true selves would be unlovable if fully revealed. This often results in a guarded approach to relationships, hindering the development of genuine intimacy and trust.

5. Constantly Running from the Past: A persistent effort to escape from the past — a bad reputation, hard memories, regret— all leading to exhaustion and weariness. For those who've experienced relational trauma, there's often a relentless drive to distance oneself from the past – whether it's poverty, family issues, or traumatic memories. This constant running can lead to a state of chronic stress and exhaustion, as they're perpetually in a mode of escape and survival, never truly finding rest or peace.

6. Living with Mental Health Challenges: Familiarity with states of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, yet feeling a strong aversion and resistance to these emotional states. Living with anxiety, depression, and thoughts of self-harm is a common reality for many who have experienced relational trauma. These mental health challenges are often integral to their daily experience, yet there's a strong internal resistance to these states. Despite their familiarity, they are unwelcome and often fought against, adding another layer of emotional turmoil.

7. Sabotaging Close Relationships: A tendency to ruin close relationships despite being aware of the destructive behavior, often followed by self-loathing. A pattern of sabotaging close relationships is a tragic consequence of relational trauma. Individuals may find themselves in a self-destructive cycle, knowingly engaging in behaviors that harm their relationships. This is often accompanied by a sense of helplessness and self-loathing, as they watch themselves repeat patterns they desperately wish to change.

8. Seeing Parents' Negative Traits in Oneself: Fear and disappointment in recognizing the undesirable characteristics of biological parents in oneself, despite efforts to be different. Recognizing the traits of abusive or neglectful parents in oneself can be a source of deep fear and disappointment. Despite efforts to be different, catching glimpses of these traits can evoke feelings of defeat and a fear of perpetuating the cycle of trauma. It's a struggle between wanting to forge a new path and the haunting influence of the past.

9. Numbness as a Coping Mechanism: For many, numbness becomes a preferred state as it offers a reprieve from intense emotional pain. This can lead to a dependency on activities or substances that provide an escape – like alcohol, drugs, binge-watching TV shows, or compulsive gaming. While these behaviors offer temporary relief, they often interfere with the ability to form healthy, functional relationships and can exacerbate feelings of disconnection and isolation. The pursuit of numbness becomes a shield against the full spectrum of human emotions, leading to a life half-lived, where genuine joy and sorrow are both kept at bay.

10. Day to Day life feels Like a Struggle: You might be using a lot of your energy just to get through each day, trying to look like everything is okay when it really isn't. It's like you're a great actor, pretending to be normal and have everything under control. This can be really tiring, but you might feel it's necessary to hide your true feelings and what you've been through in the past. When you have had bad experiences in relationships before, it can be even harder. You try to be close to people and make friends, but at the same time, you're hiding your real emotions and the hard things you've faced. This can make you feel lonely, like you're living two different lives: one that everyone sees and the other, which is just your own, filled with the memories and hurts from before.

This post touches on just a few of the common experiences and thoughts shared by individuals with relational trauma backgrounds. It's important to note that there are countless other experiences and thoughts related to this topic, many of which have been explored in previous posts on this blog.

The intention behind this blog is not to exacerbate feelings of distress for those with relational trauma histories. Rather, the aim is to offer a sense of solidarity and understanding. Topics like relational trauma, disownment, estrangement, and various forms of realtional abuse are not often discussed openly, leaving many feeling isolated and misunderstood.

The hope is that by reading this blog, you might feel a little less alone and a bit more acknowledged in your experiences. That you will feel some comfort and a sense of recognition, helping to alleviate the feelings of being "other" or "crazy" that can accompany these challenging thoughts and experiences.